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Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
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1:17 pm - Love.....
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....is an illusion....I am seriously starting to believe there is no such thing as true love. Why? I am 33, and I have had my heart broken so many times, it's not even funny. I have never been married. So...I'm assuming this means there is something wrong with me, that I am doing something horribly wrong, I am horribly ugly, or the universe just simply doesn't like me at all. The only men who are ever interested in me and actually want to stay with me always wind up turning out to be abusive, obsessive, possessive, and just general jerks. Mind you, I normally don't realize this until it's too late. The ones that seem genuine and kind and good that I fall head over heels for, always dump me because apparently they just don't want the same thing...I'm either not good looking enough or they get interested in someone else. I dunno...maybe I'm just a romantic at heart...maybe I just wish for that "movie love" too much. People actually do get married and have kids though, I mean...I've actually seen it. 2 people actually did such a thing and brought me into the world. So why does it seem so much to ask the world to give me the same? I don't know. Can you tell me?
Shit happens. Yes it does...and it happens to me on a daily basis. I try to stay positive, really I do. But it gets so hard when things keep falling apart. So please don't say that I'm just being a negative nancy or whatever, because I do stay optimistic most of the time. But when things like this constantly happen over and over and over again, you start to wonder if it's really fate.
current mood:  crushed
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| Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
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9:34 pm - The answers are there.......
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.....floating around in the universe somewhere, we just have to pull them out. I have found several lately...now I'm trying to decide what to do with them. I feel I have the materials I need to work with in order to...well...fix my life although "fix" isn't the right word for it. Imagine you're cooking a huge banquet and you're making everything from scratch....you have all the ingredients you need laid out in front of you...you just need to get them all into place and figure out where you're going to start and find an order for everything. That's much what my life is like right now.
Let's say I've at least prepared the meal...now it's time to start it cooking. That probably sounds lame...but it's what came to mind...so...deal with it...it's MY journal :P.
So I've been meditating a lot lately, but I find that I'm still having some problems quieting my mind. My concentration and focus aren't what they used to be. I'm not entirely sure why that is. Mostly health related I'm certain.
Not much else going on...school is coming along fine, not working at the present...been doing various jobs for temp agencies. I have another job that's coming up in a few weeks, however, as some of you know, there are certain reasons why I may not be taking it. A lot is going to happen over the course of the next 2 months...next several months really, but mostly the next couple of months.
Hrm...I think that covers most everything. My life isn't too exciting right now...well..there's actually a lot going on...I just don't wanna get into a lot of it until everything is pretty well figured out. If that makes any sense.
current mood:  relaxed
current music: everything winding down to a crawl
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| Monday, November 2nd, 2009
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4:01 am - New job
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Well, I'm up and getting ready for work at my new temp job. I'll be boxing thermometers on an assembly line or something. 50 hours a week...10 hour shifts...will be long and tedious but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I'll be home after 2:30 p.m. my time. I hope you're all doing well. If anyone wants to email me while I'm at work (since I can check my email on my phone during break) email either nytehiker1 at yahoo dot com or nytehiker at hotmail dot com. (Spelled out so spam bots don't get me.) Also if you know how to add my mobile phone to your aim or anything else, you can email me and ask me for my number. I'll be bored during breaks and lunch at work.......I'm not advertising cause I'm desperately lonely or anything..LOL. I always like company though. Well, not always...I like my me time too..but when working it's nice to have something to take my mind off of my aching body.
current mood:  anxious
current music: my beeping phone
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| Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
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10:56 am - Woot woot!!!!
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I am ecstatically happy for many reasons. A couple of you know most of them. I feel very loved and have some very good friends and you guys mean the world to me!! You know who you are..hehehe. School is going good, I keep worrying about how I'm going to do, but so far I'm making A's. I'm too much of a worry wort..I need one of those damned worry stones or something..hehe. Not much else going on..just schoolwork, and waiting to start work...which I should find out more info today on. Patiently awaiting to get my monies so I can get my website started...excited about that. Excited about a lot of things that will be coming up in the near future...a little nervous too. I'm just happy where I'm at now in my life. I'm a little worried I'll walk outside and a tree will fall on my head or something though...would be just my luck. The universe likes playing horrible pranks on me a lot...lol.
I need to do more creative stuffies...music writing, pic editing, zombie conjuring...er....pay no attention to the latter. I'm innocent I tells ya!!! Anyways I hope you all are doing well. I'll post more soon...I've just been really busy lately and haven't had the time to update this as much, but I'm still here and I still log in daily to read everyone's posts.
current mood:  happy
current music: the sound of the dump trucks outside...oh yay...clang clang clan
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| Tuesday, October 20th, 2009
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8:13 am - *sighs*
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Some days, I'd rather not wake up at all. Some things are going good, other things are going bad, at the moment I'm horribly confused about something and right now I'd just rather stay asleep all day and not wake up and such. I feel like either screaming or crying but I know I'm incapable of doing either as I tend to just ball everything up inside of myself. Sometimes I wish I could stay numb forever, because it's so much easier than feeling, yet at the same time I know that I'd rather feel, because being numb makes life rather pointless. Sometimes I still think the universe is having fun with me, playing cruel pranks at my expense and pointing at me and laughing. I've bitchsmacked it a few times...but ...well..I dunno. Right now at this moment I just feel like it's getting the better of me. I know where 2 parts of my problems lie and hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to take care of one of them. Another I'll be able to take care of next month...some of you know what that is...if you don't know, feel free to contact me privately and ask, as I won't post it here for certain reasons.
Unfortunately, there's another part I can do nothing about...and it's this part that I think is actually stressing me out the most right now. Funny too, because at the same time, it's also doing the exact opposite. Confused yet? You SHOULD BE! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! If I'm cryptic enough, no one will know my secret plans of taking over the universe!!!! Whups...guess they're not secret anymore, eh?
While I have a few really close friends right now who are basically what keep me going for the most part, there are still a few things no one knows that...well...are eating me up inside. I feel like a part of me needs to be expressed soon, or I might explode...yet...I can't express that part...because...well..bad things could happen. Ever have one of those moments where you just feel like bashing your head into a wall repeatedly?
LOL...you all probably think I'm like...trying to come out of the closet or something...well...sorry to disappoint you..but, no...that's not it. :P *wonders for a brief moment if anyone even reads this thing anymore...lol*
Well..anyways, that's it for now. I've probably confused you all to the point where if you even DO read my lj....you probably won't. HAHAHAHA!!! That was my plan all along!!! Well, not really.
In other news..it's horribly dark and gloomy outside which makes me feel better. That and my first week of college went by extremely well...as my grades on everything are almost completely perfect. So..that's all good stuff at least.
current mood: crushed
current music: the inner ramblings of my mind
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| Thursday, October 15th, 2009
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2:19 am - Another poem
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The Flight of Love
An eruption of wind and flame. I stand before you. I wonder if you can see me...I am everywhere and nowhere. I take flight, and I am off to seek you out. Above a blue sea at night, the stars dance off the water and the sky sighs. I hear the whisper, and I wonder who speaks it. Is it you? I am free, and hear the chains which bind you, and it saddens me. I would break them for you, but I fear you do not wish that of me. I would carry you to the highest mountaintop and let you see the world for what it is. I would lay you upon a cloud to rest, and watch over you for all eternity if you wished it. I would ride a raging river to laugh with you at your side, as we are tossed about by nature. And I will drift here, as time moves on, as days pass, I will always be here. I will wait for you, should you ever want me.
current mood:  ecstatic
current music: Juno Reactor - Samurai
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| Wednesday, October 14th, 2009
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7:20 pm - School school school
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I'm in college full time now and I'll be working full time soon as well, so I haven't had much time to post. Things are going as well as they can be...maybe almost too well. I'm half expecting to walk outside and have a tree fall on my head!!!
current mood: anxious
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| Saturday, October 3rd, 2009
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2:39 am - Just for the record
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That poem wasn't written about any one person in-particular. And now I've probably scared the universe with it...LOL.
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1:54 am - And it begins........
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The Phoenix
Flowing from the depth of my being, I float and I see below me, a world unknown to others. I am searching, seeking, trying to find that which eludes me constantly. I know you are there somewhere, but I cannot find you, and you do not approach me. Wallowing in the psychedelic universal nebula of my mind, tranquility prevails. This is who I am, this is me. My very being, awake and alive, and the world is beautiful. I see like I've never seen before. I hear whispers in the silence, they call to me, and someone waits. How long? How long until they find me? I grow weary...I cannot maintain the search for eternity. So I am afloat in the epic infinity of space, adrift amongst the stars. The aurora brings me news of hope, of new being. And I am reborn again, as I was before, and will be...to an understanding that most cannot comprehend. I open my heart, I open my soul, I open my very being, to you. I just long to know...who are you? Where are you? Why are you hidden from me? And how long must I wait before you reveal yourself to me? I wrap my arms around myself as wings, and I look to the night sky and a gentle breeze grazes my cheek. I am happy, I am sad, I am everything all at once. I am alone, I am crowded, and I linger...a limbo of some kind. I release all pain, all fear, I am free. And I will wait, forever if need be...I will be waiting for you. For I am a single, solitary creature in this infinite eternal multiverse. Someone..somewhere...will indeed find me. And then, I will be reborn once again, and another chapter will open in my existence. For now...I remain in the shadows, growing and gathering energy. An ugly duckling, forming into a swan. I spread my wings and I engulf you, I shall protect you. For I am alive, again, and I burn with an intense passion for life. I am energized beyond conception. A star which has collapsed upon itself, only to be reborn once again in an explosive creation. Look into my eyes, and you will see everything. I unlock all the doors, I hold all the keys. We will conquer the universe together. I am your guardian, your guide, your unconditional love. And you are mine. Together we will share, learn and grow together. It is our time now. I only wait for you to come to me...with open arms.
current mood:  energetic
current music: Astral Projection - Dancing Galaxy
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| Friday, October 2nd, 2009
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7:53 am - I guess.....
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....that maybe it's a good idea if I'm not quite as open with people anymore. I suppose I'm not really all that good at reading people sometimes. I dunno...ah to hell with it...*strangles the universe then goes back on about her business*
*wanders off whistling innocently*
current mood:  weird
current music: sweet silence
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| Monday, September 28th, 2009
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9:44 am - And today I bring you..............
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Nyte, Nen, and Hal.......all trippy before playing WoW.....Futurama style - brought to you by Smacky Smores
current mood: giddy
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| Friday, September 25th, 2009
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6:19 pm - Hallucinate without substances..all you need is your monitor!!!
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5:26 pm - Eye Candy
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For my "trippy" friends...this is for you...this is pretty awesome. I'm compiling a bunch of these together to put on my mp3 player (it has video) for meditation and such. The music is cool too and I might learn how to do this for some of the music I love trancing out to. Let me know what you think!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4wF1CKnRrc&annotation_id=annotation_896603&feature=iv
current mood: calm
current music: I wish I knew...the name isn't listed :(
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| Thursday, September 17th, 2009
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11:07 pm - Enlightenment...2
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2C5-rzpfA98
Listen to above song.....I can't seem to find it anywhere else...but I'd love to download the album it's on...it's from Sasha and John Digweed...it is one of the most beautiful trance songs I have ever heard in my entire life. I first heard it about 8 years ago while listening to internet radio. It's truly a moving song....imo. I absolutely love it.
current mood: peaceful
current music: Space Manoeuvres aka John "Quivver" Graham - Stage On
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6:25 pm - BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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..........yes....YES.....YES!!!!! I HAVE THE ANSWERS!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
*runs down a hallway with the answers*
WOOHOO!!! Yes....I haz them I do!!! *runs behind a door and barricades herself in....arms full of rolls of important looking papers*
*goes over to a test tube and taps it*
Soon....the world will be mine....MINE...MINE!!!! AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!! AAAAAEEEEEIIIII!!!!!!!!! *howls out the window like a craze induced Ren from Ren and Stimpy*
.....and then there was silence..........
current mood: anxious
current music: the silence sets in.........the calm before the storm............
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| Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
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6:03 am - No sir.....I don't like it...
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I realized I haven't updated in about a week, so figured I should.
Not much to report. I was supposed to start a new job tonight..er....last night technically I guess....Monday night. 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. Mon-Fri....and, I get there....and half an hour later I pass out due to heat exhaustion (light industrial work). So I was sent back home because they didn't want me to keep passing out or anything and now I have to go to the doc today. It was hotter than hell there....and for $7.50 an hour you bust your ass putting boxes together to put packaged foods in to be shipped out. It's only a temp job for about 3-4 weeks. I'll find out later today if I'm going back or not. They may not let me back because they said they're concerned the same thing might happen again due to my medical issues.
Ah well....you take what you can get.
In the meantime I'll be working on my site. I've got the software for it...and I've got a place to have it hosted now (for the time being). Well, 2 sites really. There's the ROAD site...(metaphysical forums I've had for several years now)..and then there's the newer, not quite developed yet, NEWPS site. (Northeast Wisconsin Paranormal Society.) So much to do..so little time.
I always feel like I never have enough time...for anything. Always running out of time. We're running out of time the moment we're conceived. Until the moment of death...but...then...as I believe, life starts all over again and we are recycled. So...there really is no issue with time, it's there to give some sort of purpose I suppose. Hurry up and wait. "I'M TRYING TO GET EVERYTHING DONE BEFORE SOMEONE HITS MY RESET BUTTON AGAIN!!!!!" And how many times has your reset button been hit? Same hard drive is still there...same information, same knowledge, just a little refresher to get us lined up properly again.
And why do I always speak in analogies and metaphors? I suppose that's the only way I figure I can get the point across so that others will understand it.
Well, now that we're done with that little bit of...well...whatever you call it. It is now time for me to go meditate some more. I shall return later.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Astral Projection - Nilaya
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| Tuesday, September 8th, 2009
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3:06 am - Pod people dreams!!!
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Ah yes...just woke up from another one of my "interesting as of late" dreams. I only remember bits and pieces...but sitting here and trying to recall, I was surprised how quickly the gist of it returned to me. Normally once I forget a dream, it's pretty much lost in the void somewhere, amongst all the other lost dreams.
Anyways, I remember that there were these creatures that were raging war against humanity so to speak, they wanted to take us over/wipe us out/control us essentially. I was with a very small group of people who chose to not conform and so they were trying to kill us.
I remember very little else at this time, except that towards the end of the dream we managed to find a solution between us and them. A sort of peace was made, where we could co-exist together, but with rules being put into place and us still being wary of them and keeping an eye on them. It was rather interesting. If I remember more I'll add to this.
current mood: contemplative
current music: Someone's snoring in the backround......
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| Thursday, September 3rd, 2009
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3:12 pm - SWEET!!!!!!
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Paranormal State quoted me on Twitter!!! For those of you who don't know, Paranormal State is a paranormal investigation show on A&E. They asked people what they believe happens when you die. I replied with:
"To put it in the most simple way possible...I believe when we die, we become one with the universe again and are recycled."
Hehehe!! If you wanna see it, you can go here: http://twitter.com/paranormalTV
Oh great..now I'm promoting them...well...I guess that's why they do those things...cause they know we'll go and tell everyone, thus making more people aware of them...hehehe. I still think it's cool though. Especially since no one I know has ever really quoted me before. It's kind of nice. ^^
current mood: energetic
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| Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009
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5:54 am - ..................
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A lot of strange things have happened over the past week....an awakening..seeing truths...seeing horrors...and understanding why the rest of humanity isn't seeing these things. It simply can't handle it. That's where our serial killers come from and all. And yet...part of me worries that maybe I'm going mad, or that I have a brain tumor or something. And I'm a little afraid. But if anything, I'm the me I was when I was a child. The true me. And I guess that is what's most important.
Why are geniuses usually crazy? Not that I'm a genius..but I do know my IQ is rather high...I've had it professionally tested before...(was something they did when I was in elementary school.)
I am so fortunate to have close friends who understand me. Yet...I'm beginning to worry that maybe they think I'm going nuts too....lol. I guess in a few months overall I'll know....if I have a brain tumor, I'll die or doctors will find it. If there's nothing medically wrong wth me at all, and these weird events continue and all the coincidences that are happening on a massive scale with me lately keep growing, well then...that's another story entirely...isn't it?
current mood: contemplative
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| Sunday, August 30th, 2009
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12:35 pm - Ooga booga......
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Not much to report...still job hunting....which is going well. Working on improving my health and doing house chores in the meantime. And other funstuffs.
So last night I get up for a midnight snack cause I was hungry, and I turn on the TV and happen to see the original Star Trek is on....and I see...THIS:
And yes, I actually went to Youtube to find the episode so I could get a screenshot of it. I know I know..I'm weird. But I found it absolutely hillarious. I like to call this work of art....Phallic Captain Kirk
current mood:  amused
current music: The ringing in my head....*answers it*
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