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Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011
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4:58 pm - A need to write.....
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Not sure who all even bothers reading this anymore, and have discovered a good friend recently left due to...well...apparently LJ doesn't allow some things in posts. I thought about just creating my own website again and putting a journal there, but since I already have this, and it's just as easy to link here as anywhere else...might as well keep it. I've always preferred LJ over other blog type sites...and I definitely am not that fond of Myspace or Facebook...both which I have but try to log in as infrequently as possible. I also have a Twitter, but rarely ever look at that either...too much crap to keep up with. Some nice programs post on multiple sites whenever you make an update in one place, which is very convenient...as the last thing I want to do is copy and paste to various blogs all over the place just so all my friends know what the hell I'm up to. Especially when few even read the things anyways. I'll probably just start posting a link to here again and just update here and nowhere else from now on. Netlife would be so much easier if there was just one networking place that everyone used and nowhere else. But no...I'm having to resort back to Trillian because I have friends on MSN, Yahoo, and AIM and running all 3 at once is annoying, though I log into Yahoo most often cause that's where the majority of my friends are...but then I'll have the few on MSN and AIM who DON'T use Yahoo asking me where the hell I've been and think I don't like them anymore since I don't sign onto those regularly. Yes I still like you all the same, even though you're probably not reading this...I just get easily bored and lazy and I normally stay invisible when I'm online anyways.
With that out of the way, anyone who IS reading this is probably wondering what the hell I HAVE been up to. Well, no longer will you be in the dark.
As of Friday of last week I am now residing in a homeless shelter in London, Kentucky. Why? Well that's a long story and I'm not sure I feel like going into it right now. Am I working? Not yet, but hopefully soon as I have applications in everywhere and am hoping to get into a call center here in town. Am I planning on staying her permanently? Hell no...people make fun of WV for hillbillies...but this state...I swear I can't understand half the people that's how strong the southern accents are here..and I'm only 7 hours away from where I was at before. It's like an instant change crossing the state line from WV to KY. Although I must admit in the few days that I've been here, this town has already grown on me. Not because of the people, though most of them are fairly pleasant. Not sure what it is really, just something about the place. Small town of 6000, although the town looks and feels much larger than it really is. I was actually shocked to find that the population was that low. I'm a bit south of Lexington..not by too much. Waiting on my mail to be forwarded here as I've been told I had my last 2 W2's come in to where I was living at in WV...so I gave my forwarding address today and I should have them soon...then I can file my taxes. I still don't know if I'll get credit for being in college last year like I did the year before, as my 1098 states I didn't receive any grants for last year, which I didn't..I got that the previous year and would have gotten the rest except I dropped out due to various reasons. Hopefully once I'm settled somewhere, I can go back...although I won't be majoring in small business management again. I have taken an interest in psychology. I have a great interest in how the human mind functions and so forth. So I'm pretty sure I want to get into that. Small business management was boring as hell and while I'm good at it, I really don't like the businessy stuffies that much...bores me to death.
My plan is to get a job, save up money, then the person who lives 25 min from here who helped me get here will be getting his tax return, and has some things set up and we're hoping to make it back to Richlands, VA where we met and where my remaining best friend lives as well as other rl friends of mine. And fuck I need a soda really bad right now but don't get my foodstamps till day after tomorrow. Ah well. I got out of the ER a little over an hour ago...was shot full of morphine so I'm rather chatty right now and have been meaning to write for quite a bit. There's a lot I need to get off my chest. Nothing bad really, even though things are rough and such, I'm quite happy nowadays. Probably because I'm free and independent...which is when I tend to be happiest.
As for the shelter I'm staying in, I liked the shelter in WV a hell of a lot better. Probably because there were a lot less people in it, and I became fast friends with most of them. The shelter here is packed pretty full and has a bunch of clique's which I'm not really interested in being part of, although various people keep asking me a bunch of questions. In WV people couldn't tell too much by my accent that I wasn't from there, but they sure can here. The friggin women's dorm is freezing, opposite from the other shelter in which it was hotter than hell.
Unfortunately my kidney stones have gotten much worse and are in both kidneys now, but it looks like I'll be able to get financial assistance to finally get a family doc again. I've already been in the hospital twice since I've been here due to passing stones and having lots of blood in my urine (yes I know, TMI...but ...oh well.) Feeling better now fortunately. I've been lucky in the fact that the stones I've had haven't been too terribly painful...they've been bearable...annoying and very uncomfortable...but nowhere near as painful as the gallstone attacks I used to get were. That was utter hell...course I had my gallbladder removed so I'll never have to worry about that again. I know kidney stones can get really painful but I've been lucky so far that mine have actually been fairly small and easy to pass. Other than that and my cyst issue which has gotten worse, I've been pretty healthy. My right knee is giving me a lot of problems though...was doing good for so long and then in the past week it got bad again.
I've been spending my afternoons job hunting and going to the library and when I'm not doing that I'm usually reading. Checked out some books at the library...mostly Stephen King and Dean Koontz, 2 of my fav authors. Might start reading David Drake and Terry Goodkind again.
Well I was going to write more but I've written so much right now, I'm not sure anyone will want to read it....lol. I like to keep journals anyways even if no one ever reads them...I'll eventually look back on them.
current mood:  calm
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| Saturday, July 3rd, 2010
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1:41 pm - Wow...a posting from mwa.......
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I know it's been a while since I've written anything substantial. I really should keep a daily journal of things going on and whatnot...dream journal as well. I get sidetracked easily..hehe. As of now I'm temporarily out of school (had a lot of medical issues and crap this year) hoping to go back either this fall or winter. Been doing some odd jobs here and there to make ends meet, looking for fulltime work. Having inner debates with myself over where to head off to next. I have several options right now and my goal is to have everything in action and be relocated come autumn. It's funny....I always seem to relocate during 2 main seasons of the year, spring and autumn. I feel as though I'm in hibernation of a sort....waiting for all the pieces to fall into place just so before I move. As if the timing isn't quite right just yet. Almost though....so very close at hand. I suppose this sounds confusing..as many things I write sound...but it all has meaning. Personal inner development and growth. A lifelong journey into ones self and the universe. I often wonder where things will lead.
Anyways, I'm keeping things together for the most part right now. Food on the table, roof over my head. Unfortunately it seems as though I have rheumatoid arthritis...only the beginning stages of it though. I might also need to have surgery for carpal tunnel...lots of fun stuff. None of it really major...but highly annoying when it all adds up. Fortunately I'm still able to type at the same blinding fast speed I always have. Well, maybe slightly less, but not much. I still type over 80wpm so it can't be that bad. Some areas are worse than others.
I have so much inside my head that I really should get out into the open. I wish such a device existed where I could simply think of something and an image would be displayed on a screen, portraying my thought. I would be able to express myself a lot better. Wouldn't we all.
I have a lot of interesting things in store for the upcoming weeks/months.
current mood:  contemplative
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| Tuesday, April 6th, 2010
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4:19 am - Le Sigh
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I know I haven't posted in like 2 months. I got busy with a bunch of stuff for a while, things got hectic...then died down and I didn't get around to posting again till now. Which I really should start doing cause there's a lot of things I need to get off my chest and whatnot. Don't worry, I'm not going to bitch and complain about stuff....I just need to get thoughts out of my head and out into the open.
The only thing I WILL complain about though is the fact that I've noticed a couple people have removed me as a friend on here. I don't know if it's because they don't like me anymore or if it's because I quit posting. However one of them, when I go to view his journal, there's nothing there...so I'm wondering if every post he has made is private, since his user info shows that he does indeed have entries, or if he's blocked me or something. Although it shows he hasn't posted since January so I'm not all THAT concerned but it does sadden me a bit because we used to be such good friends...I guess I scared him off though by liking him a bit too much. I do miss chatting with him...and I think he knows who he is...although he'll probably never see this, or care.
I know I tend to worry a bit too much at times about what people think of me. I just hate losing friends though. I know people will drift away over time...it happens. And I know a lot of it is my fault as I have a tendency to disappear from the net quite a bit at times. It's not because I'm avoiding people, it's due to a variety of things. I find I am missing many friendships I had not too long ago...mostly the latter part of last year. There are so many people I haven't heard from and I wonder if they are just busy with their lives, or if I'm just not important to them anymore. A few I see posting online quite often and see them signed on in places...so I figure they're just too busy with other people and such. Then again it's also partially my fault too cause it's not like I'm trying to get chatty with them. A lot of people I know will never contact me unless I've contacted them first. I guess I just fret too much over stupid shit. Heh, and I said I wasn't going to bitch and complain about anything...and I guess I just did. Ah well.
In other news, in case no one knows, at the end of February I had sort of a mental breakdown and a certain somebody thought I was suicidal (which I wasn't), and to make a long story short, for 3 days I was in sort of a halfway house for severely depressed people. There were 8 of us all together. I feel a bit ashamed/embarrassed mentioning this, but I don't like hiding things from people. Anyways, I was absolutely miserable there. I got along with the other housemates just fine, although most of them were very withdrawn and didn't talk at all. If it weren't for that, I almost felt like I was in an episode of the Real World...lol. A bunch of people living together. My roommate there was really nice though which was cool. Well after seeing a psychiatrist, she determined that I should be sent home as the house I was staying at was making things worse instead of better. She also put me on an antidepressant...first time I've ever been on one. So I'm now taking Cymbalta and it's actually really helped a lot. I was told that while my depression when I was younger came from situations I was in, the brain gets used to that and then it becomes a chemical imbalance. The brain sort of gets stuck in that state even if there's nothing to be depressed about...although I am going through some rough times right now still. But the earlier part of this year I started getting some really heavy mood swings and started feeling a lot of anxiety which is highly unlike me...things I've never really experienced before and I didn't like it at all. But those seem completely gone now and I feel like myself again.
There's more news to my life but I've already written a book here nearly, so I will end this post for now...and hope that I haven't ticked anyone off for writing such a long post. Not even sure if anyone will read it...you'll probably skip over it because it's so long. That's ok though, I don't blame you...hehehe...I wrote this mostly just to get thoughts out of my head anyways. I will write more later and it will be more pleasant I assure you. ;)
I will leave you with this last thought....that I hope all of you have been doing well and I wish you all the best of luck in whatever you are doing in your life right now.
current mood: thoughtful
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| Monday, February 1st, 2010
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7:09 pm - I have no subject for today....I dun feel like coming up with one
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Well, things are a bit hectic right now. If all goes well in about a week I should be heading out for a week down to FL. I'm hoping it works out so that I'm able to because I definitely could use a road trip right now. Other than that, I'm not doing very good in school, I've had so many distractions that it's been very difficult for me to study. However I may be able to still make it through and get the rest of my money so I can finish out the year and continue on. If worse comes to worse I'll wind up having to leave and will have to go back next year instead.
Have a potential job offer...again...still waiting to hear back on it. The relaunch of my site is coming along quite nicely and I've begun to learn css...so I think it'll all work out quite well.
I'll write more later, gotta go eat dinner now
current mood:  tired
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| Tuesday, January 12th, 2010
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5:56 am - La la la la la..........subject subject...I gots no subject
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Stolen from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.7) dailymutterings Reply to this post, and I'll tell you one reason why I like you. Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love.
I'm a little miffed right now at a certain someone who won't leave me the hell alone. I swear...much more of this and I'm gonna crack him upside the head with a frying pan!!! Yes I know it's 5:30 a.m.....yes I know I've been up all night. I have nothing to do this morning as I took care of all my errands yesterday as well as the house cleaning (mind you he does very little if none of the house cleaning). So what's the big deal? He freaks out over me taking my pain meds for my pain...which has gotten worse lately. They found a 5 cm mass on my right ovary which is causing some problems. So he yells at me on his way out the door. He treats me like a little kid and I'm sick of it. I'm a friggin adult. I should be able to sleep when I want and such....I mean I don't bother him at all....when I'm up at night I'm very quiet and he snores all night long. AARGHHH!!!!!! Sorry for that, I had to vent a little. It just makes me so frustrated sometimes...and most of you know about this too.
Well anyways, had a job interview yesterday...so keep your fingers crossed for me. Well, before I depress you all any further...lol...I'll take my leave for now. I hope you're all doing well though.
current mood:  pissed off
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| Wednesday, January 6th, 2010
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7:32 am - Stress sucks
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Well...I'm about to have a nervous breakdown I think. I'm so stressed out. I'm worried about getting bills paid, paying rent, getting work, getting my college work done on time, house chores, taking care of other crap. I feel like I'm a chicken running around with it's head cut off. I need to unwind badly but I can't. I'm worried about so much crap, finances and having enough money for food n shit. I'll be happy after tax return time and such...but for right now I feel like panicking. I don't know why, normally I can deal with just about anything. I guess it's just been building up lately. And even as I sit here and write this, I know things will be ok in the end somehow, but I have a headache and I want to scream. I have anxiety and that is so unlike me. I'm so high strung right now. I keep wondering if maybe I'm picking it up off of someone else. I sure hope not.
I sit here...and I want something but I don't know what. Everything suddenly just seems so pointless and ....I dunno. I know I'm dealing with some depression that I really should seek help for. Some of it is from my cysts too, they can affect my hormones and mood and such. I am having some blood drawn today so they can look for a few things and then I have a doc appointment later in the afternoon where they'll go over the blood tests from earlier.
I've hardly had any sleep, I have too much on my mind, I can't quiet my mind enough to rest. Meditation and trance only help some of the time.
Well, my appointment is in a couple of hours so I should probably get going. I'll post more later.
current mood:  anxious
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| Saturday, January 2nd, 2010
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4:21 am - Happy New Year!!!!!!
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Sorry I haven't updated in a few days...things have been hectic due to the holidays.
Things are going surprisingly well. I had a great holiday season, minus a couple of irritations...but those were easily dealt with. And 2010 is looking more and more promising every minute. I think this is the year my entire life is going to dramatically change for the better for once. I have completely turned over a new shell, I'm healthier, happier, I have so many great friends who mean so much to me, there is so much I am looking forward to in even just the next 2 months, not to mention the rest of the year. This is going to be a very very busy year for me indeed.
I have a lot of surprises in store for my friends too. Now with all the video equipment and software I have, I'm going to be creative and pump out all sorts of projects. (AND GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!!!! I know there's at least one person somewhere thinking that dirty nasty little thought......)
Anyways, it is going to be an interesting year indeed. And to start it off, I'm heading up north to visit my mother for the weekend. Her birthday just happens to be January 2nd, so this is my holiday time with her. When I return I will have vidoes and pics galore and I am actually getting them uploaded now! Imagine that!!
So I hope you all had a great holiday season and rung in the New Year in the way that you wanted to.
current mood:  ecstatic
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| Sunday, December 27th, 2009
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6:26 am - Momma and baby panda taken from life feed of San Diego Zoo.
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| Saturday, December 26th, 2009
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3:59 am - An update to my cool Nyte, Hal, Nen piccie.....
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Now....we have included Stan from American Dad as Drako as that's his online persona and I didn't know of a Futurama character that would fit him. So here you go....the trippy Futurama pic + one drinking Drako...(although I don't think he even drinks...but had to include him..hehehe.)
current mood:  silly
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| Thursday, December 24th, 2009
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5:35 am - Stolen from dierdrae
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1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Reached a new level of spirituality and meditation. I also quit smoking successfully. Actually I did quite a bit.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make one this year?
I didn't make any last year and this year's was going to give up smoking but I've already done that. Mine is to successfully finish my first year of college with great grades, move, get my surgeries done, and just generally be healthier overall.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Twi's sister gave birth to identical twin boys.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Found out a really good friend of mine from when I lived in WV died back in May. I was really REALLY sad to hear about that.
5. What countries did you visit?
Wanted to make it to Canada but didn't get the chance to. Will do that next year.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
True, unconditional love and have it returned. Er...well...technically I guess I did get this although it was rather complicated...
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory?
The day my entire life changed...when I had my "awakening"...this will always stay with me. I will remember the visits I had up to my moms, and, unfortunately, the day I had my heart broken.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting into college finally.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Getting a B in "Communication For A Business Age." I had really wanted to get an A in it.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
A few weeks ago I had the most god awefull flu ever. I had a fever of 103 for a straight week and couldn't get rid of it...took me a good week and a half to recover form it and get my strength back. It was terrible. Also I damaged my knee pretty bad earlier in the year, my back, and such...but most of that is all better now.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably my laptop. I love this thing!!!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Twi did a lot better than last year but still needs work.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Appalled, most people know who this is. Depressed, the person who broke my heart.
14. Where did most of your money go?
College.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
College, my laptop, my trip out to Colorado that got postponed recently...lots of stuff really.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Astral Projection - Nilaya
17. Compared to this time last year, are you
i. happier or sadder?
Much much happier.
ii. thinner or fatter?
I've lost a lot of weight.
iii. richer or poorer?
Richer but currently broke atm...that will change soon though.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Traveling, but I couldn't really afford it. But I did do quite a bit so I can't complain.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Procrastinating although I've been a hell of a lot better about it.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
I WILL be spending it at Twi's mom's house and his family for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Then it'll be back home to get ready for New Year's and the trip the day after up to see my mom for her birthday and spend a couple days with her and get some ghost hunting done...now that I have a digital video camera ;).
22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
I'd rather not answer this.
23. How many one-night stands?
EWWWW...none...hehehe.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Anything on Adult Swim (mostly), South Park, and...yes you can laugh your ass off at me for this, but I hadn't seen it in years and I find it hillarious and entertaining (not to mention a couple of really cute guys like Jeff Hardy), but...WWE. Which has gotten horribly stupid...although it always has been. I just find it entertaining. It's a male's soap opera...hehe.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No, not really. Kinda the opposite I guess....there are a couple of people who really screwed me over and tried to ruin my life a year and a half ago, but I've since forgiven them even if they won't speak to me ever again so I can tell them so.
26. What was the best book you read?
Ummm....I can't remember, but it was either a Stephen King book or Dean Koontz.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
All the crap that Hal sent me. He has the exact same music interest I do (as far as techno and such goes) and I have a whole folder full of stuff that I absolutely love that he sent me. Thank you Hal!!!!!
28. What did you want and get?
A lot of really cool friends that I'm rather close to.
29. What did you want and not get?
True unconditional love that was both given and received.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Avatar, although I really liked Paranormal Activity and a few others as well.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 33. I didn't do much on my actual birthday itself because I celebrated it rather early. I went to Zombiecon for one, went to a Rob Zombie concert, and the Friday before my birthday had a really interesting meditative/trance evening with Hal which was really cool.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
My trip out to Colorado. Other than that everything went from horribly wrong to AWESOME!!!
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Comfort up until recently when I've started getting a little more freakish/slight gothlike again.
34. What kept you sane?
Hal, Nen, Drako, Moonie, Muse, Photi, NWW, and all of my other dear friends.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Jeff Hardy, Chip Coffey, and ....the guy that played Donnie Darko (he was also in Brokeback Mountain and some other stuff)...he is HAWT!!
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage as I have a couple of friends who I wish lived where it was legal so they could get married. Also the legalization of marijuana which apparently has some pretty good odds of becoming so out in California.
37. Who or what did you miss?
The person who I had a bit of a falling out with who kinda hurt me. I think it ruined our friendship which I didn't want to lose by any means. Also, I miss my mind...but then again, I don't think I ever had one. :P
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Moonie, Jason (Traceless), Bryan (Viszet Oki), Jacob (Oaknell) and many others from Realms Of Magick. Only one of them reads my journal I think but if any others do, you guys are the greatest!!! Also have to say the same for all my friends at Astral Society, who have kept me sane for the past several years.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
You need to love yourself before you can love others.
You need to forgive yourself of you'll continue to go downhill.
Never ever EVER trust the expiration date on french onion dip....BLECH!!!!!
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
It's actually an entire song...which sums up the past few years actually, so here it is...sorry for making this post so damn long. But....this is what you guys all get since I haven't posted much lately. I hope you enjoy...hehe.
"Fall Into Sleep"
Dreams of earthquakes
Dreams of hurricanes
Dreams of pouring rain
Dreams of tidal waves...to wash us all away
Dreams of guns blazed
Dreams of fire rage
Dreams of swollen graves
Dreams of hollow pain
All gone
No more fallen
No more enemy
No more casuality
No more dream
Fall into sleep
Fall into me
I have a dream
But nobody cares
Nobody wants to listen
Fall into sleep
Fall into me
Hang on to a dream that nobody wants
Nobody cares anymore
Dreams of mourning grief
Dreams of disbelief
Dreams of tragedy
Dreams of our disease...to take us all away
Dreams of fidelity
Dreams of inner peace
Dreams of loyalty
Dreams of unity
All gone
All gone
Fall into sleep
Fall into me
I have a dream
But nobody cares
Nobody wants to listen
Fall into sleep
Fall into me
Hang on to a dream that nobody wants
Nobody cares anymore
The angels are injured
Fall with broken burning wings
Are we dead inside
Are we blind
We can't keep moving forward
Backwards with closed eyes
We're losing sight
All lost inside
No more fallen
No more enemy
Fall into sleep
Fall into me
I have a dream
But nobody cares
Nobody wants to listen
Fall into sleep
Fall into me
Hang on to a dream that nobody wants
Nobody cares
Nobody wants
Nobody cares anymore
All gone
All gone
All gone
All gone
current mood: calm
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| Thursday, December 17th, 2009
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12:33 am - BLLLARRGGGNNNFARRRGGNNNN
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I watched Donnie Darko earlier today, I must admit I liked it more than I thought I was going to. Not quite what I thought it was going to be, but interesting nevertheless. I enjoyed it and am glad I finally got around to watching it.
I got the Sims 3 as a birthday present and today I was given the expansion for it for Xmas. I know, I know...most of you laugh at the game, but I enjoy designing stuffs with it and making 3D objects and other thingies. I enjoy recreating houses and towns I've lived in in the past...(seeing as I've lived in god knows how many places...hehe..it's a nostalgic thing for me.)
I'm about to head off to meditate...I've had some extremely interesting experiences lately with projection, dreams, and other stuffs. Including apparently some new connections I have with a couple new friends of mine. One is really interesting and I'm curious to see what will happen in the future with it. For a long time it seemed there were few people who had much in common with me, and suddenly it seems I keep meeting people who are almost exactly like me...it's kinda creepy. It's nice though because I have quite a few good friends now and I'm happy about that. I still always remain alone to some level though, for a few reasons...which I'm not going to go into here. Some of you know why (I think) and some of you don't.
Anyways, not much else going on. My final grades for my first 2 classes in college were an A- and a B. What's kind of sad about that is I didn't really put much effort into either class...things were too stressful for a while. So I'm assuming if I put a lot more effort into these next 2 classes, I'll wind up with A's in both (no A+'s here.)
Well, I'm off for now...I may be back later with interesting things to discuss after my meditation. We shall see...we shall see.....
current mood:  nauseated
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| Monday, December 14th, 2009
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1:27 am - YAY....first block of classes are done!!!
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Start my next 2 classes tomorrow...and then in a week I'll be off for 2 weeks for Christmas vacation. Only 2 weeks for me...I know most college people get a whole month, but then again I'm in college online so I guess they figure we can handle less time of vacation..hehe.
Finally over that god forsaken flu....although I'm STILL a little weak. Not bad though...I have most of my strength back now. I've been sleeping an awful lot lately though. Having interesting dreams too. I think there is something/someone around me lately. In fact I'm certain of it. I'll discuss that at another time though, it's not something I really want to talk about to a large group of people. My stupid back is killing me...hopefully that'll get better soon.
Not much else going on really. Just been working on college work, awaiting the one thing that most of you are aware of already....and no, it still isn't here yet. It's supposed to be here tomorrow..er..well..today now since it's technically Monday now. And if it isn't, I'm going to go disgruntled postal worker on the bank's butt. Steal my money will they.....HRMPH!!!! I'll sick my minions on them....BWAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok..enough of that. I keep meeting more and more interesting people lately. Apparently the universe is sending them all my way. Dunno why, but I'm not complaining...so far they're all really very cool. I'm just a mild mannered lil ol Nyte. Sitting here at my laptop, tapping away in the wee hours of the night. Quietly awaiting what the future may hold...which I hope, and think, is good stuffies for a change. And for some reason I have a craving for sausage links...but...I have none, so I'll just have to settle for leftover pizza instead.
Time to vanish into la la land and see what weird and unusual dreams await me tonight....lately they've been full of all sorts of neat stuffs.
current mood: mellow
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| Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
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6:55 pm - burried in a blizzard......weeeeee
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The universe dumped a shitload of snow on top of us. Not much else going on...was extremely ill for a week....fever of 103 for 7 days....oh fun. Now I'm just weak but getting better. Still waiting on my money to come in and I wish it would cause I have a prescription I need to have that's been waiting for me for 2 days at the pharmacy that I can't get yet....ARG!!!! Oh well. Made some new friends which is nice...lost some others.
current mood:  hungry
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| Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
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1:17 pm - Love.....
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....is an illusion....I am seriously starting to believe there is no such thing as true love. Why? I am 33, and I have had my heart broken so many times, it's not even funny. I have never been married. So...I'm assuming this means there is something wrong with me, that I am doing something horribly wrong, I am horribly ugly, or the universe just simply doesn't like me at all. The only men who are ever interested in me and actually want to stay with me always wind up turning out to be abusive, obsessive, possessive, and just general jerks. Mind you, I normally don't realize this until it's too late. The ones that seem genuine and kind and good that I fall head over heels for, always dump me because apparently they just don't want the same thing...I'm either not good looking enough or they get interested in someone else. I dunno...maybe I'm just a romantic at heart...maybe I just wish for that "movie love" too much. People actually do get married and have kids though, I mean...I've actually seen it. 2 people actually did such a thing and brought me into the world. So why does it seem so much to ask the world to give me the same? I don't know. Can you tell me?
Shit happens. Yes it does...and it happens to me on a daily basis. I try to stay positive, really I do. But it gets so hard when things keep falling apart. So please don't say that I'm just being a negative nancy or whatever, because I do stay optimistic most of the time. But when things like this constantly happen over and over and over again, you start to wonder if it's really fate.
current mood:  crushed
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| Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
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9:34 pm - The answers are there.......
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.....floating around in the universe somewhere, we just have to pull them out. I have found several lately...now I'm trying to decide what to do with them. I feel I have the materials I need to work with in order to...well...fix my life although "fix" isn't the right word for it. Imagine you're cooking a huge banquet and you're making everything from scratch....you have all the ingredients you need laid out in front of you...you just need to get them all into place and figure out where you're going to start and find an order for everything. That's much what my life is like right now.
Let's say I've at least prepared the meal...now it's time to start it cooking. That probably sounds lame...but it's what came to mind...so...deal with it...it's MY journal :P.
So I've been meditating a lot lately, but I find that I'm still having some problems quieting my mind. My concentration and focus aren't what they used to be. I'm not entirely sure why that is. Mostly health related I'm certain.
Not much else going on...school is coming along fine, not working at the present...been doing various jobs for temp agencies. I have another job that's coming up in a few weeks, however, as some of you know, there are certain reasons why I may not be taking it. A lot is going to happen over the course of the next 2 months...next several months really, but mostly the next couple of months.
Hrm...I think that covers most everything. My life isn't too exciting right now...well..there's actually a lot going on...I just don't wanna get into a lot of it until everything is pretty well figured out. If that makes any sense.
current mood: relaxed
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| Monday, November 2nd, 2009
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4:01 am - New job
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Well, I'm up and getting ready for work at my new temp job. I'll be boxing thermometers on an assembly line or something. 50 hours a week...10 hour shifts...will be long and tedious but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I'll be home after 2:30 p.m. my time. I hope you're all doing well. If anyone wants to email me while I'm at work (since I can check my email on my phone during break) email either nytehiker1 at yahoo dot com or nytehiker at hotmail dot com. (Spelled out so spam bots don't get me.) Also if you know how to add my mobile phone to your aim or anything else, you can email me and ask me for my number. I'll be bored during breaks and lunch at work.......I'm not advertising cause I'm desperately lonely or anything..LOL. I always like company though. Well, not always...I like my me time too..but when working it's nice to have something to take my mind off of my aching body.
current mood: anxious
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| Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
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10:56 am - Woot woot!!!!
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I am ecstatically happy for many reasons. A couple of you know most of them. I feel very loved and have some very good friends and you guys mean the world to me!! You know who you are..hehehe. School is going good, I keep worrying about how I'm going to do, but so far I'm making A's. I'm too much of a worry wort..I need one of those damned worry stones or something..hehe. Not much else going on..just schoolwork, and waiting to start work...which I should find out more info today on. Patiently awaiting to get my monies so I can get my website started...excited about that. Excited about a lot of things that will be coming up in the near future...a little nervous too. I'm just happy where I'm at now in my life. I'm a little worried I'll walk outside and a tree will fall on my head or something though...would be just my luck. The universe likes playing horrible pranks on me a lot...lol.
I need to do more creative stuffies...music writing, pic editing, zombie conjuring...er....pay no attention to the latter. I'm innocent I tells ya!!! Anyways I hope you all are doing well. I'll post more soon...I've just been really busy lately and haven't had the time to update this as much, but I'm still here and I still log in daily to read everyone's posts.
current mood:  happy
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| Tuesday, October 20th, 2009
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8:13 am - *sighs*
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Some days, I'd rather not wake up at all. Some things are going good, other things are going bad, at the moment I'm horribly confused about something and right now I'd just rather stay asleep all day and not wake up and such. I feel like either screaming or crying but I know I'm incapable of doing either as I tend to just ball everything up inside of myself. Sometimes I wish I could stay numb forever, because it's so much easier than feeling, yet at the same time I know that I'd rather feel, because being numb makes life rather pointless. Sometimes I still think the universe is having fun with me, playing cruel pranks at my expense and pointing at me and laughing. I've bitchsmacked it a few times...but ...well..I dunno. Right now at this moment I just feel like it's getting the better of me. I know where 2 parts of my problems lie and hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to take care of one of them. Another I'll be able to take care of next month...some of you know what that is...if you don't know, feel free to contact me privately and ask, as I won't post it here for certain reasons.
Unfortunately, there's another part I can do nothing about...and it's this part that I think is actually stressing me out the most right now. Funny too, because at the same time, it's also doing the exact opposite. Confused yet? You SHOULD BE! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! If I'm cryptic enough, no one will know my secret plans of taking over the universe!!!! Whups...guess they're not secret anymore, eh?
While I have a few really close friends right now who are basically what keep me going for the most part, there are still a few things no one knows that...well...are eating me up inside. I feel like a part of me needs to be expressed soon, or I might explode...yet...I can't express that part...because...well..bad things could happen. Ever have one of those moments where you just feel like bashing your head into a wall repeatedly?
LOL...you all probably think I'm like...trying to come out of the closet or something...well...sorry to disappoint you..but, no...that's not it. :P *wonders for a brief moment if anyone even reads this thing anymore...lol*
Well..anyways, that's it for now. I've probably confused you all to the point where if you even DO read my lj....you probably won't. HAHAHAHA!!! That was my plan all along!!! Well, not really.
In other news..it's horribly dark and gloomy outside which makes me feel better. That and my first week of college went by extremely well...as my grades on everything are almost completely perfect. So..that's all good stuff at least.
current mood: crushed
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| Thursday, October 15th, 2009
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2:19 am - Another poem
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The Flight of Love
An eruption of wind and flame. I stand before you. I wonder if you can see me...I am everywhere and nowhere. I take flight, and I am off to seek you out. Above a blue sea at night, the stars dance off the water and the sky sighs. I hear the whisper, and I wonder who speaks it. Is it you? I am free, and hear the chains which bind you, and it saddens me. I would break them for you, but I fear you do not wish that of me. I would carry you to the highest mountaintop and let you see the world for what it is. I would lay you upon a cloud to rest, and watch over you for all eternity if you wished it. I would ride a raging river to laugh with you at your side, as we are tossed about by nature. And I will drift here, as time moves on, as days pass, I will always be here. I will wait for you, should you ever want me.
current mood: ecstatic
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| Wednesday, October 14th, 2009
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7:20 pm - School school school
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I'm in college full time now and I'll be working full time soon as well, so I haven't had much time to post. Things are going as well as they can be...maybe almost too well. I'm half expecting to walk outside and have a tree fall on my head!!!
current mood: anxious
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